Looking… for what?
There have been times where I do not even know what I am looking for anymore. I struggle with so many things. I have so much time to think and wrestle with my own demons. I think that the thing I wrestle with the most is the idea of materialism. We live in a society that is so consumed with the idea of accumulating many toys, because “he/she who dies with the most toys wins”, and that is not who I want to be. But part of me does. I want to have those things I did not have while I was growing up.
I remember when I was a child my mom would load all five of us into our red Nissan and buy one snow cone (valued at 50 cents) and we would all share that one snow cone because that is all she could afford. I am sure she could have bought more, but it was either eat more color flavored shaved ice or eat something filling for the day. Those are some of the most treasured memories of my childhood that I believe formed me, but I would not want my possible children to go though that. Or do I?
Part of me wants to give my kids those things I did not have, but I do not want to spoil them rotten. I want to have nice things but I also do not want to complicate my life by killing myself to acquire things.
I would much rather travel. I would much rather go to heaven knowing that I saw the world and all the things God created with his great might. I would much rather have a conversation with a stranger and photograph part of his journey. My birthday is coming up and I think I am going to ask for a camera. I want to start my own photography business. I want to start a gallary for myself and also photograph couples. There is nothing better than capturing a new love that is stress free. I do not do weddings because the one time I did was a nightmare because you have to deal with the family. Sometimes it is not even the bride that is demanding, but the family of the couple that want this or that and they cant get through their heads that it is not their day. But I enjoy capturing the unseen and the un-captured by the human eye because we are so busy consuming and working in order to consume. So if you have any tips please share, especially as I prepare to buy a camera.
Today was a bland day. I have a lead into a possible job. It is through an organization that helps families and does great work with them. I am also waiting to hear from the Boy Scouts. I interviewed with them and they are waiting from headquarters. I think it would be a great opportunity, but I have to pray about what should I pursue the most. One offers a better pay but a greater challenge. I am all about the challenge, but if I am going to get paid more than I want to be compensated for that. And this is where my materialism challenge comes in. I worked so hard in school to get paid well. I have so much dept because of it and I want to do something with my life besides pay debt. I don’t even know what I want anymore.
What I don want is to do something I love. Something where I am constantly with people and doing something for them. I want to do someting besides sitting at home watching day time shows and evening programs. I do not even know what to look for anymore…
You sound like you’ve reached the quarter life crisis. I really think everyone at our age struggles with this so know that you’re not alone. You want to take the “right” job, but you want to do something you love. You have to make money to pay bills, but you don’t want it to be about the money. It’s a tough place to be =/ We’ll talk soon!